Creative Writing – f-your blog

Self Check Out Is A Brilliant Bullshit Scam

Welcome to Today’s FYB Post SELF CHECK OUT IS A BRILLIANT BULLSHIT SCAM which Addresses the Growing New Trend of Stores Using the New Self Check Out Model. We know it may seem Odd to hear the Words Scam and Brilliant in the same fucking Sentence so Allow Us to Explain. Yes it is Bullshit and Yes it’s a Scam, BUT that Doesn’t Preclude it from also being Brilliant. You see a Scam can be the Greatest Scam in the fucking History of Scams Yet if No One Buys into it then it’s fucking Useless. This is just ANOTHER fucking Case of Big Greedy Companies/Corporations fucking Over Their Customers and Firing Employees Putting Profit over People. The Pitiful thing is the Self Check Out Scam is a Basic, Simple, and Effective Form of Manipulation of Consumers Using Basic Behavioral/Psycholgical Human Traits. It’s the Self Checkout Scam’s Simplicity that makes it So Brilliantly Deceptive that People Fall for it without Question They just complacently Fall in Line.

Self Checkout Scam Strategy again is SO PAINFULLY SIMPLE We have Trouble getting Our Heads around How Gullible People Truly (and We Don’t have a High Opinion of People to fucking Begin with). Of Course when Self Checkouts were First Introduced They were Promoted as a STUPENDOUS NEW TIME SAVING CONNIVENCE that Stores were Providing for Their Customers. It makes Perfect fucking Sense because Impatient People Definitely Hate waiting in Line even More than Your Average Shopper. So the Self Checkout came off as a Great Way to Speed Up Checking Out while Avoiding a Line. To give Credit where Credit is Due at First it did Work Rather Well as it Split the Customers into 2 Groups the Cashier Checkouts and the Self Checkouts. Then like Most fucking things in this Life it Quickly Faltered and is Currently Breaking Down into the Actual Shitshow that it is.

The Real Truth Behind the Self Checkout is it’s a EASY way for the Greed Driven Corporate Whores to Save Even More Money while Simultaneously Raising Their Prices More and More Daily. They Effectively convinced the Public to Volunteer to Provide Free Labor as well as Spending Money at these Stores. Bottomline is You Spend Money at said Store, and then You’re used as an Oblivious Pawn again Providing FREE LABOR. This Principle Alone is what got Us Riled in the First Place We are Customers NOT fucking Employees. And speaking of Employees They’re the Ones who get fucking Fired/Laid Off and Replaced with Self Checkout Terminals. We get it We fully Understand that a Terminal doesn’t Require a Paycheck, Benefits, 401K, Paid Leave, or Calls in Sick and that Saves a Small fucking Fortune. At the Same Time though as We stated it’s the Employees Who get Let Go, Lose Their Insurance, PTO (Paid Time Off), and Source of Income. When Machines have Replaced Enough People then Humans become Unnecessary and Irrelevant (Can You Say SKYNET).

Now AI becoming Sentient is a Serious fucking Concern the Current Reality is People have become Dependent on Their Technology for Everything what Happens if these Devices Suddenly Didn’t;t Work? People wouldn’t Know How the fuck to Survive since They don’t Learn or Obtain Real Life Skills need for Basic Human Survival. That’s Why Today a HUGE fucking Fear for Some People is America being Hit with an Electromagnetic Bomb because that’s EXACTLY what would Happen. People have become Soft and Spoiled fucking Adult Children who want Everything Handed to Them without Lifting a single fucking Muscle (Yes Millennials We Mean You). Entitlement DOESN’T Entitle a Person to Jack Fucking Shit, But We Digress.

Yet after a Brief Success the System of Connivence began Breaking Down and Started Becoming a Hassle. You see as More Stores added More Self Checkouts They Kept Firing Employees, and increase Profits that Forced ALL Shoppers to Use the Self Checkout. So if All Shoppers Now have to Use Self Checkout well Guess the fuck What? NOW instead of Long Lines at the Cashier there Long ass Lines to Use the Self Checkout thus illiminating the Vail of Connivence. And that’s Not All because Other Stores are Adapting the Walmart Bullshit Exit Door “Security” which is a Single fucking Employee standing Guard. Now if You have 10-20 Shoppers lets say Who used the Self Checkout and One Employee trying to “Check” each Shopper’s Receipt You now have A SECOND FUCKING LINE. Thus the System of Self Checkout Promoted as a Speedy Check out for Shopper’s Connivence by Skipping the Cashier Line ended up Creating TWO LINES (and Generating Millions of Dollars in FREE CUSTOMER LABOR).

First Off Why the fuck is a Door Check needed before a Person leaves the Store considering the Store has Security Cameras Covering Every Inch of the Store. Also when You use the Self Checkout there is Literally a Camera in Your inches from Your fucking Face and there PLENTY of Signs Stating that Shoppers are on Camera. Not to Mention the Employee DOESN’T CHECK SHIT They ask to See Your Receipt, Glance at it for a Second or Two, and then You’re allowed to Leave. So also Consider while Your Spending Your Hard earned Cash at a Store, and Providing FREE LABOR the Store Treats You like a Common Criminal there’s a fucked up Thank You for Shopping With Us Message. To Actually be Affective at Stopping Shop Lifting the Employee at the Door would Have to go Item by Item down Your Receipt Checking it against the Items in Your Cart. Obviously this Wouldn’t work not by a Long Shot since it take fucking FOREVER to Leave SO there is NO FUCKING POINT. Employees “checking” Receipts at the Door Doesn’t do a Goddamn Thing for Security it Prevents NOTHING. The Funniest Fact is it’s Basically illegal since American Citizens are Protected Under Law from Unlawful Search and Seizure. Knowing this the Next Time You Don’;t want to deal with the Bullshit YOU CAN WALK THE FUCK OUT They can’t Stop You PERIOD.

So In a Summation People simple Deserve a Choice Again it’s just that fucking Simple. Forcing People into Exploiting Themselves in any sort of Situation is fucking Bullshit and Said System should be fucking Destroyed. When will Customers fight the fuck Back against being constantly fucked Over so The People talking Your Money can Save Money at YOUR EXPENSE?!

We think this Social Media Post Says it all:

“Dear Walmart & Target, Homedepot and all other Stores that have Self Checkout – You are almost Exclusively Self-Checkout now. The last time I was there, you had a Lady stopping everyone at the exit, checking receipts.

I didn’t choose to Participate in that Nonsense, so I just Skipped the Exit Line and Left. I heard her saying “Sir, Uh, Sir” as I kept Walking and Raised the Receipt above My Head, leaving the Store.

You can Either Trust Me to do Self -Checkout, or You can put Your Cashiers back in Place like it Used to be. I’m not interested in Proving that I did Your Job for You. You want ME to be a Cashier with No Training then That’s Your Problem Not Mine. Don’t Audit Me for a Position You Refuse to Employ any Longer.

Signed,

All of US”

It is What it IS,

By Les Sober

Linguistic Lunacy

Abominable Atrocities Arise And Abound Abundantly Against Agony Abysmal Anguish Across Apocalyptic Annihilation As Armageddon Awaits. Awfully Aggressive Assholes Amble Around Aimlessly Angrily Announcing Accusations And Allegations Angering Anyone Around. Ambivalent Arrogances Again Aren’t Absolute Another Atonement Amended All Alone.

Formidable Fiends Fuck Fathering Fear From Fragile Felonious Faith From Frail Fickle Feeble Fools. Fundamental Foolhardy Fucking Feces Faltering Forgoing Fatal Farreaching Fanaticism Fathomless Fetishistic Folly Forbidden Few Follow Flamboyant Falsehoods. Filthy Fleshless Flawed Fucked Fodder Further Fathom Fornicating Freely Fortitude For Futile Frenzied Fuckery.

Blasphemous Bastard’s Brutal Bitter Bitches Bountiful Bullshit Beyond Broadening Boundaries Before Banishing Belligerent Barbarians Behind Bloody Boarders. Badlands Bandits Beheading Biblical Brutes Before Battling Boldly Brandishing Brazen Banners Before Blackened Battalions Becoming Bonafide Bloodshed. Bountiful Beheadings Butchering Befuddled Blind Blasphemers Bloodshed Before Burning Beastly Brigades.

Sickly Sinister Savages Silently Slay Subservient Sinners Spreading Septic Slaughter Soaring. Sycophantic Simpletons Smile Slyly Surveying Sadistic Soldier’s Silicious Screams Shattering Surrounding Serenity. Servants Shit Sustenance Sustaining Shadowy Sultans Salacious Sexual Sadomasochistic Sodomy Shows. Soulless Symbolism Sadly Succumbs Suddenly Suffering Silicious Sabotage Suggestions.

Malevolent Monstrous Madmen Marauding Malicious Murderers Making Melancholy Mourner’s Mundane Misgivings More Memorable. Mysteriously Morbid Malfeasance Masters Manufacture More Maniacal Mayhem Magnifying Mortality Minimizing Morals. Moody Menacing Maniacal Misfits Manning Mortuaries Monopolize Maggots Moreover Mangling, Maiming, Mutilating Mankind.

Crippled Cretinous Creatures Creating Cataclysmic Chaotic Chaos Crumbling Churches Civilians Cringe Cowering Cataclysmic Carnage Comes. Creepy Cephalic Copulating Cretans Cackling Crazily Cum Ceaseless Corruption Confounding Confused Craniums. Cemeteries Cantankerously Coveting Corpses Confining Carcasses Claiming Cumbersome Cognitive Capabilities.

So what the fuck was the point of all this You Ask? Simply there is None as the Whole fucking Point of this Exercise was to Write something that Sounded Kickass, But in Reality it’s Upon Second Inspection that You can See it means Jack Diddly Shit.

It is What it Is,

By Les Sober

HOSPITALS ARE A BULLSHIT SCAM.

Today We will be Discussing Hospitals and all that it Entails. First Off We all know what the fuck a Hospital is it’s a Big fucking Building with Operating Rooms, an ER, Diagnostic Equipment out the Ass, and is Full of Doctors as well as Sick and Injured Patients. If You’ve ever had the Displeasure of having to be In or Deal with a Hospital You might remember that Hospitals are Grand Masters any Kissing Their own fucking asses. All We’re saying is Hospital Propaganda make the Nazi bullshit from WWII look like fucking Amateurs. What We are referring to are the TV Ads, Billboards, Print Ads, and the ENDLESS Posters that Line the Walls of the First Floor Your subjected to while there. What pisses Us Off the Most are the goddamn fucking Posters with Smiling Staff, Cheerful Patients, and bullshit Slogans/Claims “We care About Our Patients” or “We Love to Support Our Community” or even “Providing the Best Car in *Fill in the Blank*”. This is Of Course UTTER AND TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Hospitals DO NOT give a actual fuck about People They care about Only One fucking thing and it ain’t Healthcare it’s motherfucking MONEY. Hospitals put Profit Over People and if You fucking think that’s Not True try getting Medical Attention after Telling the Hospital that You Don’t have Insurance aka Payment. This seriously fucking pisses Us Off since Doctors take the Hippocratic which is all about Healing the Injured and Curing the Sick We mean real Biblical type shit here. What the fuck it doesn’t say is a goddamn thing about “Only if You get Paid” or “Treat Those Who have Insurance Only.” BUT THAT IS THE FUCKING REALITY nowadays. What People fucking Forget is Hospitals are FOR FUCKING PROFIT COMPANIES just like Amazon or fucking Walmart. To Hospitals All that matters is MAKING MONEY amassing an Obscene Fortune in the at the Expense of the Actual Patient They claim to Love and Provide for.

Speaking of Doctors if You want to Piss Off ANY Doctor is to ask them Why Doctor’s REFUSE to Admit the fucking Obvious Truth, and that is ONE (perhaps the main one) of the Reasons They chose to be Doctors was They Knew it make Them fucking Rich. And wanting a High Paying Job is Totally fine, BUT Bullshitting, Avoiding, and Ignoring the Question/Subject THAT’S the Issue We have. Also Doctor’s WILL readily admit that the Healthcare System, Health Insurance, and Hospital Care is a BROKEN and SEVERLY FLAWED System that Financially Rapes People until They are Broke or Crippled by Medical Bills Then They fucking Abandon Them. Doctor’s are at the fucking Center of the American Pay to Play or in this Case Pay to Live. Doctors and Hospitals KNOW People Don’t want to be sick, in pain, or Die and They fucking Exploit the Situation to Grotesque Degree to get EVERY last flicking Cent from Their Patients. Case and Point Even Lawyers who lets face it are fucking Despised (Until People Need One) for Being Greedy Bastards do Pro Bono Work. Meanwhile Virtually NO Doctors do Pro Bono Work unless They’re Doctors Without Boarders and They Don’t Help Anyone in America They deal with 3rd World Countries.

And How can We be So fucking Sure? Well Allow US to Explain form Personal Experience. Les landed Himself in the Emergency Room in the First Week of January 2018 Literally Knocking on Death’s Door which sent the ER Staff Scrambling like a Motherfucker. Les had to be Admitted to the Hospital for Further Treatment which Included Surgery where He Spent Almost a Week. Now here’s the fucked Up Part Les’s Wife had been Paying for Insurance through Her Employer which is what it is. The fucking Problem was some Incompetent Asshole made a Mistake. Then this Ignorant Asshole instead of FIXING IT and Properly Filing it stuck it in a fucking Desk Drawer and fucking Forgot About it.

Now literally a Day or So before Landing in the Hospital His Wife became Aware of the Mistake and Immediately Addressed it with Her Employer. Since She had Payed into the Insurance Ultimately things would be Corrected and the Insurance would be Retroactive at that Point. This was Explained in fucking Full to EVERY MOTHERFUCKER Les and His Wife Dealt with Explaining the fuck Up, and that They did have Insurance it was just a dumbfuck Clerical Error and was in the Process of being Worked Out. Now on Day 3 of Les’s Hospital Stay 2 Stern and rather Grim looking Women from the fucking Hospital’s Billing Department Showed Up in His fucking Room. They talked to Les’s Wife (Though Les was the Actual Patient and Laying in Bed 4 fucking feet away) and Informed Her that We Owed Them $157,000 Plus So Far.

Les’s Wife AGAIN for the BILLIONTH Time Explained the Situation and that They DID have Insurance and what had Happened. As for the 2 Cold Cunts from Billing was Concerned Didn’t Bat a fucking Eyelash. Instead They wanted to Know if Les and His Wife could put Down a fucking Deposit for $15,000. Also to make things MORE FUCKED the Piece of Shit Parasites from Billing instantly They showed up on FRIDAY AT 4:30. The Point is that left 30 minutes Before the Banks and all that Bullshit Closed and Wouldn’t be back Until Monday. To make a Long Story Short Les has a Really Bad Temper and Absolutely Despises the ENTIRE Medical Field so Simply at that Point Les Completely Lost His Shit. Les Cursed and Berated the Billing Department Dipshits Mercilessly Pointing Out He was Still a Patient and what fuckwit would ask for Payment before All Services were Rendered. He also called them Out on Their Ridiculously Retarded Time Frame, and then Posed the Question could THEY come the fuck up with $15,000 in 30 Minutes. After being Verbally Assaulted The Pair of Parasitic Pissants finally fucked Off.

Next Let’s Chat about the fucking Insanity of a Hospital Bill. First Off one Reason Hospital Bills are fucking Outrageous starts with the Fact Patients are Charged Between $1,000 to $1,200 a Day JUST FOR THE FUCKING ROOM. That Fee DOESN’T include a fucking thing, No Doctors, Nurses, Diagnostics, Procedures, Surgeries, or Medication it’s Only for Occupying a Room. That would make Hospitals the Most Expensive and Shittiest Hotel Anyone will Ever Stay in. Second Hospitals have what They call a “Master List” which in Reality is a MASSIVE Price List. It has EVERY fucking thing that the Hospital Charges for and How much from Cotton Swabs to fucking Brain Surgery.

The fucked Up thing is Hospitals are fucking NOTORIOUS for doing EVERYTHING in Their Power to make Sure NO ONE SEES THEM. If You ask US that’s just fucking Shady as Shit since Hospitals DO NOT send Itemized Bills so Patients Don’t Actually Know What They are Paying For or even How fucking Much the Things They are Paying for Cost. So Once Your out of the Fucking Hospital You just sit and Wait for the fucking Bill(s) to Start Rolling in. Then when the Hospital Bill comes You have NO fucking Clue if its $20 or $2000 or $20,000 until You actual Open the fucking Thing.

Now for Example Would You go into a Grocery Store and Have The Cashier Ring You Up only to had You c Receipt that Only Says GROCERIES $375? Fuck No You Wouldn’t. Nor would You drop Off Your Car at the fucking Mechanics only to Return to a Bill that Simply States AUTO REPAIR $750? Again fuck No You Wouldn’t. The Issue is that Hospitals damn well know if Patients/Public found Out how Bad Hospitals were Financially fucking Them Over There’d be Hell to Pay. People would Storm Hospitals and fucking full on Riot as the Mob Mentality takes Hold. Yet Another Reason that Corrupt Hospital Cunts don’t want the Public to Know what They Charge Outside of Public Rage Fueled Backlash is Patients could Shop Around instead on being TOTALLY DEPENDENT on Their Local Hospital. Itemized Bills are used to Help Prevent fucking Fraud its so You know what You’re being Charged For and How Much, BUT Hospitals will Never give You a Itemized Bill. Somewhat Good News is if You request/ask for an Itemized Bill They BY FUCKING LAW have to Provide You with One.

The Problem is good fucking Luck EVER receiving Your Itemized Bill NO MATTER How many fucking Times You request it. Les is Still Attempting to get an Itemized Bill for His Hospital Stay 4 fucking Years Later and still Not a fucking Thing. It’s the fucking bullshit Blame Game where Hospitals DON’T send You an Itemized Bill as Requested and when or If You call Back They claim They sent it and it must have “Gotten Lost in the Mail” which Provides Them with a Perfect Scape Goat. Now it gets even More fucked Up as the fucking GOVERNMENT had to Step in to Try and Sort Out this Shit Storm, and They Informed Hospitals that They HAD NO CHOICE and to make Their Price List Public. And Yup You Guessed it the Hospitals did NO such thing instead They selected Random Small shit or Elective Procedures (Example: Nose Job) in a Half Assed Effort to Conform with the Government and Still Not disclose Jack Shit about Their Prices/Charges.

Down the fucking Line the Government Circled back and found that Hospitals were Non Compliant and had Essential Ignored Them. So the Government ramped Up and Stated that Hospitals HAD TO DIVULGE EVERY FUCKING COST OR ELSE. As to the Time We Post this We aren’t aware of ANY fucking Hospital in the Entire Country that has Actually Complied, and the Scumfucks in Washington haven’t Done shit or Tried Once again to Force the Issue. So Once again the People/Patients Continue to get Financially Fucked Over again and again.

One Final Note before We fuck Off Once Again into the Abyss as it were. All Hospitals are Graded like Restaurants by the Joint Commission of Hospitals based on Their Performance, and on an Alphabetical Scale ranging from A being the Best to F being well You Know. Anyway when We Relocated Our Home Office We Spent the First Couple Weeks getting to Know People in the Community and Shit. Now when You’re the New Kid on the Block People give You Advice and Local Tips and in this Case People Informed Us of the Closest Hospital (of 3 in the Area) that We will call Fuckardia Hospital to Avoid Any Possible Relation from Said Hospital. We were told Over and Over that and We Quote “Don’t go to Fucktardia Hospital Unless You want to Die.”, and a Few Months Later We learned Fucktardia is Referred to by Locals in the Know as “The Murder Hospital’. The fact of the Matter is Seriously Sick or Injured Patients wouldn’t Call the Ambulance since They HAVE to take You to the Closest Hospital. What They would do is DRIVE across County Lines before Dialing 911 so the Ambulance would then have to take Them to one of the other Two Hospitals in the Area. This was SO common place that a Guy started a Side Hustle where He drives You across County Lines, Calls 911 on Your Behalf, and Waits with You until the Ambulance Arrives.

Now One could Argue that Public Opinion No Matter Good or Bad is indeed Not Fact thus How could We be sure that Fucktardia was a Shitty Hospital? Les’s Wife is a Psych Nurse (RN) with over 12 Years of Experience in the Medical Field who was the One that Informed Us of the Hospital Rating System. It was Also Les’S Wife Who informed Us that Fucktardia Hospital had at the Time just Received an F. Unlike in the World of Restaurants where an F gets You shut the fuck Down and Out of fucking Business Hospitals are allowed to Continue to Operate (no Pun intended) even with a FUCKING F RATING. So Restaurants that get an F get at Least Temporarily Shut Down until Shit gets Fixed or Their fucked and put out of Business for Good. This is because the Health Department Doesn’t even want the Possibility of Someone getting Sick, BUT A FUCKING HOSPITAL who’s ONLY fucking Job is Helping to Sickest and Most Severely Injured People can Keep on Keeping On. Don’t take Our word for it GOOGLE IT and find out For Yourself We ain’t Lying or Exaggerating.

Moral of the Story Hospitals even the Best of the Best are in it to make Money Preying on the Sick/Injured and Vulnerable Patients. It’s fucking Vile and Those Involved Should BE Fired, Incarcerated, and FUCKING EXECUTED for Crimes against Humanity as far as We are fucking Concerned.

It is What it Is,

By Les Sober

The Instagram Asshole Incident

Welcome to another Wednesday FYB Post. I apologize for Our Sporadic Posting but lets fucking face it the Holidays are fucking hell with the Psychotic Shopping and Everyone Traveling fucking Everywhere. I assure You that come January We will be Back on Track with some Improvements. As Justin mentioned I recently helped a Friend Launch a Project and it Demanded a Great Deal of My Time. Luckily the Project took off Faster than Expected so Now that it’s Up and Running its a Maintenance issue at this Point. This brings Me to Todays Post The Instagram Asshole Incident.

For Context Purposes Heres a Brief Back Story Summation of the Situation. I joined My Friend’s Project as the Creative Director, but then the Treasurer at the Time (who I had a Personal falling out just Six Weeks before I joined the Project) went Completely Retarded on Himself. At first He was all Manic and Happy then things got Dark and They got Dark Fast. A few Days after I signed on the Treasurer started getting Bizarrely Defensive, Increasingly Competitive although Our Jobs were Completely fucking different and I had no fucking interest in His fucking Job. Finally shit Hit the Fan and He had a Total fucking Bitch Fit Style Melt Down, and My Friend wasn’t going to Stand for this bullshit Attitude so He Fired the Treasurer’s Trifling Ass.

What I wasn’t fucking aware of at the Time was that the Newly Departed Treasurer had also been given the Job of the Current Handling the Social Media for the Project. As it turned out in Eleven Months of being on the Project the Treasurer hadn’t done a fucking thing. I’d say it was a fucking Joke, but it was far Beyond being just a fucking Joke it was utterly fucking pathetic. So as a Result I was asked to take over the Instagram Account and I use the word Account loosely since there was No fucking Content to speak of and it had Obviously been set up and then Ignored by the Former Treasurer. Since the Ex-Treasurer had set up the Account My Friend couldn’t get Me the Password and all that Shit so We said fuck it, Deleted the Old Account, and Started from fucking Scratch. Things were going Great with the New Account and We were Racking up Followers and Following Hand over fucking Fist then One Day I just happened to Come Across Something that Thoroughly Pissed Me off. I saw a Post by One of the Accounts We were Following that was Our Mission Statement word for fucking word Verbatim which I fucking Wrote.

Apparently this dumbfuck saw the Instagram Account and Hit up the Project’s Website and then Cut and Pasted Our shit on His Instagram. What this Douche Nozzle didn’t Realize is the Project’s Website Content is in Fact Copyrighted so what this Jackbag did was Actually Illegal. Now here was My fucking Conundrum Obviously on the Personal Front I wanted to Tear this Fuckwit’s Head Off and Shit Down His Neck. The Problem is this wasn’t a Personal Matter this was a Business Matter so I couldn’t just Rant and Rage while Unleashing a Sick Flurry of fucking F-Bombs and Insane Insults. I had to do the Exact Opposite I had to Handle this Professionally which means using a Cool, Calm, Collected, Focused, and Professional Manner. This is not nor has Ever been in My Skill Set so this was Trial By Fire. I was so fucking filled with Indignant Rage I didn’t know what the fuck to do so I called My Friend, Informed Him of the Situation, and Asked Him what How I should Proceed.

He instructed Me to Dm this Motherfucker and simply say the Content He posted was Copyrighted and to take the Post Down ASAP and I did just that. Fast fucking Forward 24 Hours and this Dickhead hadn’t taken the Post down or Even Commented on the Situation at Hand. So I called My Friend again, let Him Know the Post was Still Up, and again asked What the fuck to do since all I wanted to do is End this Fucker and Shit all over His fucking Life. My Friends Told ME to DM the Rimjob again and This Time Add if the Post is Not Taken Down in a Timely Manner We would Persue Legal Action and that should be Sufficient. I did as I was instructed and that was that for the Time Being, but things were about to get Even more fucking Aggravating as Yet Another Dipshit was about to Interject Themselves into the Situation as it were.

The Following Morning I went and Checked Instagram to see if the Post had finally been fucking taken down so this shit would be done and We could get back to fucking Work. Not only was the goddamn Post still fucking up some Bitchface had Hit Up Our DM and Left Her Two Unsolicited Cents on the Subject at Hand. I have No fucking Clue Who Exactly what the Relationship was between this Stupid Shitsack and the Dildo Who Stole Our Content. She could be a Relative, Family Member, Friend, Sibling, or Just a Random Asshat Trolling the Internet jumping into Other People’s Shit to well Start Shit. Now it was fucking aggravating back in the Pre Internet Days when Idiots and Assholes could call Your Job or Worse just Walk the fuck in, but goddamn nowadays its 100 times fucking worse with IM, DM, Email, Text, Internet, and Social Media. Living Today You feel like You’re surrounded by fucking Dickbags that You can’t Ever actually Escape From like You’re Surrounded on all Sides by Sea Shitheads.

This Raging Bitch could have Behaved like a fucking Adult and in a Professional Manner mind You, Yet She chose to Approach the Situation like a Pissy Little Tween Troll. She started by Stating People in the Instagram Community should Be Nicer to Each other and all that Typical Cliche Happy Horseshit. Then She proceeds to in the Very Next fucking Sentence to insult Our Project, Talking Shit on a Personal Level, Bitching like a Banshee in Heat, Name Calling, and being a Stuck Up Holier Than Thou Fucktard. Once Again I wanted to Unleash a Shitstrom of My Own Making Upon this Trifling Whore, but Again I had to Restrain Myself to a Spectacular Degree. It was then that Luck Would have it I just so Happened to see a Quote from Winston Churchill that Saved My Sanity. The Quote is “Tact is the Ability to Tell Someone to Go To Hell in such a Way that They look Forward to the Trip.” a Sort of Grimmer Version of Killing Them with Kindness.

I then Sat Down and Typed Out My Response to this Irrational Asshole of a Person. I took the Tone of a Stern Parent Reprimanding a Petulant Child. I made Sure to Sound Condescending as a Motherfucker as I talked Down to Her as if She were a Moronic Fool absent of any and all Intelligence. I told Her She needed to Calm Down since She was so Obviously Emotionally Upset and Needed a Quick Time Out. I then Stated that it didn’t matter what the fuck She Thought or Felt since this was a Matter of Copyrighted Intellectual Property Used without Our Expressed Consent and Absolutely Nothing Else. I then Apologized Not for Our Dm’s BUT for the Fact She seemed to be just so fucking Distraught by Them, and then I Provided Her with My Friend’s Attorney’s Contact Information while Welcoming Her to Contact Him Herself on the Matter if She so Desired knowing Damn Well She fucking wouldn’t since She was just a Loud Mouthed Cum Dumpster. I signed off with “Have a Truly Blessed Day” as a Subtle but at the same time Obvious Fuck You.

So My Advice is if You’re on the Job and Confronted by Some Vaginal Fuck Flaps trying to make Problems Remember What Winston Churchill Said and Use the Advice Wisely.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Thanksgiving Shits And Giggles Featuring Woody Scream

Well We are Finally getting Our shit together since We got clusterfucked in-between a fucking a Surreal Road Trip and the Thankless Toils of the Thanksgiving Holidays. I’m currently working on a Post pertaining to the Aforementioned Road Trip, but it’s Slow Going since it’s such an Infuriating Story I have to take frequent breaks so I don’t Actually Punch My Computer Screen. That aside I felt the need to Address the Utter Nonsensical Onslaught of the so called Holiday Season in the Meantime. To Keep some sort of Order and Assemble some sort of fucking Sanity I will be Using the FYB Tried and True Bullet Point Format.

Pre Show Prep: My Wife and I have been Drafted over the Recent Years into the Unwelcoming Ranks of Holiday Responsibilities and Assorted Bullshit. So this Includes the Relentless Cleaning Up the House in Preparation of the Forthcoming Company. This obviously makes fucking Sense, and We have No Qualm with Doing. The Problem is My Micro Managing Obsessive and Franticly Stressed Mother who can make You Feel like You’re Losing Your goddamn Mind since Her Anxiety is fucking Infectious. She whips Herself up into a fucking Frenzy Running around like a fucking Lunatic starting Numerous Projects Simultaneously while Simultaneously Finishing None of Them. It’s what We unaffectionately refer to as My Mother’s Manic Host Mode where She acts like Her Life and Reputation is Teetering on the Brink if Her House isn’t Absolutely Spotless and has been Cleaned to the Highest Hospital Standards.

The Funny thing is It’s just Family Who are the Mellowest and Undemanding House Guests You can Have for fuck’s sake. My Mother seems to be Operating under some delightfully Demented Assumption that if The Family Arrives to find even a Single Speck of Dirt on the Bottom Stair (leading up to the Front Porch) It’s All Over in an Instant. As if My Fellow Family Members would Cast a Disgusted eye Upon the Psec of Dirt, Turn Around on Their Heel, March back to Their Cars, Lod up, and Yell before Speeding Off into the fucking Distance “WHAT A FILTHY HELLHOLE! SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU GUYS AND YOUR PIG STY! WE WILL NEVER SET FOOT ON THIS SOIL AGAIN AND WE DISOWN EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU DISAPPOINTING AND FILTHY FUCKERS!!!” It’s Insanity Incarnate.

THE KIDS: The Two Boys are Still just Shy of becoming Teenagers and as So were Willing to Speak and Interact with Us on a Consistent Basis during the Trip. Meanwhile Their Sister being 16 Years Old is Undoubtedly a Full Blown fucking Teenager. She had Her Face in Her Phone the Entire fucking Time because Her Life currently is all About Socializing and Friends, Friends, and More fucking Friends! I do have to give Credit where Credit is Due for Her Part She refrained from being the Classic Anti-Social Hormonal Horror Show Three Ring Circus of Bullshit. The Trip was Free from Conflict, Argument, Hissy fucking Fits, Screaming/Yelling, Door Slamming or Anti Adult/Authority “I am My Own Person” Self Indulgent Self Righteous Sixteen Year Old Psychodrama. So That Was A Pleasant Surprise.

The Reservation Situation: My Mother being from an Older Generation is still totally Hung Up on the Restaurant Reservation Scenario. The Problem is that Unless it’s some Super Trendy Fine Dining Hipster Restaurant or Perhaps an Old School Steak House Throw Back Dinosaur then You Don’t actually need a Reservation. Unfortunately as Time Evolved and Moved on My Mother Did Not budge an Inch. So One Night We were going out to Eat and Automatically My Mother becomes Fixated as Fuck on the Fact the Place Didn’t Take Reservations, BUT where Kind Enough as to make Note that a Party of 10 was Headed Their Way (I assume this was complete horseshoe to placate the Madness that is My Mother. Also I don’t Blame Them a Bit since My Mother is well let’s say Intense and Leave it at That.

As We are Driving to Said Restaurant My Mother goes into Panic Mode when My Cousin Texted “Do we need a reservation?” and that’s all it Took for My Mother to Head for the Races. The Next thing We know My Mother has Engulfed Everyone in the fucking Car into Her Web of Sheer Madness as We all Scrambled to Solve the Situation (aka Attempt Get My Mental Mother to Calm the Hell Down). Finally the whole Reservation Hullaballoo died Down Five Minutes before We got to the Restaurant. Just for the Record the Drive was 42 Minutes Long and it took only Two Minutes before My Mother got Triggered by the Innocent Reservation Question. That Means the Reservation Dilemma essentially lasted the Entire Fucking Ride.

Once We Enter the Resturant even though it’s 8:30 on a Saturday Night was like a Scene from a Shitty B Comedy Movie was Empty as Empty could be. The Only other fucking People there besides Us are the fucking Staff. That’s it just Us and the Boarded looking Staff After all the Old School Reservation busllshit Versus the New School No Reservation Needed the place Didn’t have a Single other Customer. It was so Dead in there I honestly felt fucking Bad for the Poor Waitress who just so Happened to Be the Nicest, Professional, Personable, and Kickass All Around Waitress I have Even Encountered. The way I figured it She was Financially fucked since Working at this Particular Restaurant was making Her a Damn Thing, or She was One of the Working Poor who had Several Restaurant/Food Service Jobs just to be able to Scrape By. All I hope is She finds a Better and More Lucrative Job then the Graveyard of a Restaurant where She is currently Employed.

Litter Patrol: We live so Far Out in the fucking Middle of Nowhere USA that We Don’t have Trash Pick Up so No Garbage Men/Women or Trash Day. Instead We have to Haul Our own Stinky Shitty Trash down to the Town Dump (Which is Actually just a Parking Lt with a Bunch of Dumpsters line up Designated for Different Shit (Example: Plastic, Yard Waste, Metal Etc.). One of the Unfortunate Side Effects of this and People be Lazy as Fuck is there is a Real Litter Problem. Along some Stretches of Road there’s all kinds of Shit like Fast Food Containers from Places that are fucking 30-45 Minutes Away, Old Tires, Beer Cans/Booze Bottles (There so Many I swear Every motherfuckier in Town is Drunk Driving), Broken TV’s, Ratty Ass Furniture like Old Worn Out Love Seats and Shit, and a Shit Ton of Rotting Plastic Bottles.

This lead to My Mother having the Idea to Subtly Suggest that Why the Family is here that We clean up Along Some the Roads that Run Through the Vast Property. This was a Nice and Generally Well Received by All until My Mother started to get fucking pushy as Shit Pushing the Issue and Badgering Everyone. I told Her it was fucking Insane that She went fro Subtle Suggestion to Full on Demanding Compliance Immediately. First Off Not everyone Agreed to Help which was Fine and Expected, but then My Mother got bent because My Cousin wouldn’t Allow the Boys to go Out and Collect Trash on the Side of the Road because it would be Dangerous. She was and is Absolutely right on that one it is fucking Damn Well Dangerous.

The Speed Limit is 55 and as You can imagine People average 65 or Higher and the fact there is Only 3-4 Police Officers allows People to Drive even More like Total Assholes. Then there are Several Blind Curves which are just begging to be the Sight of a Fatal Car Accident so again Imagine People Speeding around Blind Curves would You want Your Kid Standing There Fuck No You Wouldn’t. Lastly the Road is a Main Route for Eighteen Wheeler Logging Trucks which as We all Know take Forever and a fucking Day to Slow to a Gradual Stop.

At Last My Wife, My Cousin’s Husband (looking to escape the Chaotic Confines of the House), My Mother, and I Headed Out to Help Tidy up the fucking Roadside. Now after spending 3-4 Hours Ranting, Raving, and Being a Total Dick about the Whole Thing My Mother Collected One Bag of Trash in 15 minutes and Then Declared She was Tired and Done. The Three of Us remained and Managed to Pack 22 Trash Bags to the fucking Gills with Roadside Garbage. Not too Shabby for damn Near Forced Labor.

The Getting Ready Dilemma: This is the Asinine bullshit that I Hate the Most out of all the Family fucking Nonsense is the Getting Ready Principle. This happens Every fucking time before Every fucking thing We plan to Do when the Family is in Town. As the Deadline Approaches Family Members mingle around Idly just Killing Time fucking with Phones, watching TV, Reading a Book (Yes some of Us still Read fucking Books so Fuck You if thats weird to You), or smoother Mindless Time Wasting Activity. The Point is this getting Ready to Leave Limbo is We aren’t even Interacting with one Another while We wait. It’s like We’re all Hanging around Some Sort of fucking Waiting room for an Appointment that’s Never Coming.

One by One Each Family Member States that They have to Get Ready and then set off to Allegedly do so. I say Allegedly because though Everyone leaves under the Presence of getting Ready to Go NO ONE actually appears to actually be getting ready. This process wastes a good 45 to 60 Minutes as Nothing gets Accomplished while People Drift Room from Room like Human fucking Jellyfish. I detest Downtime I really fucking Hate it because I get Bored Easily, and I fucking Hate Boredom with a Passion so This Aimless Lackadaisical Idiocy infuriates Me to No end. Then just like a fucking Football Game after Squandering a Good Amount of Time in the Final Minutes Everyone jumps into fucking Action. Then all of a Sudden Everyone is Ready and Walking out the fucking Door so what this all Means is They can get Ready in a Timely Manner, but They Delay and Dawdle away a Hour for No fucking Reason Whatsoever. I simply Cannot get My Head Around Such Drivel.

Game Night Without The Kids: On One Particular Night the Kids went to Visit some of Their Other Relatives leaving the Adults Alone for the Evening. After the Drinks Started Flowing My Wife Suggested Breaking Out the Game Cards Against Humanity since We were Kid Free, and It’s I think We can All Agree Not a Game for Anyone Under 18 Years of Age (Some May Argue No One Under 21 Years Of Age). For those Who are Not Familiar Cards Against Humanity is an Adult Party Game in Which Players complete Fill-In-The-Blanks Statements using Words or Phrases Typically Deemed Obscene or Offensive in Nature.

Undeniably the Some of the Games Appeal comes from the Fact Younger Generations get a kick out of Hearing Older Generations Curse or Use Sexually Charged Language. The Assumption made by The Younger Generations is that the Older Generation will be Utterly Clueless when it comes to the X-Rated Content. The Ironic thing is the Old Generations DO know about all the Crazy Sex shit it’s They just Don’t know what it’s Being Called Nowadays (Example: Russia used to be The Soviet Union and the USSR in its Past though its Always been the Same Geographical Location).

My Cousin’s Husband remember Playing it one Time Long Ago and was Definitely in Favor of Playing that was Until We actually Started Playing. We were about 8 minutes into the Game when He started to Regret His Initial Endorsement for Playing Cards Against Humanity in the First Place. He was Consumed by Embarrassment and Tried to Avoid dwelling on certain Topics like Describing what the Sex Toy Known as the Fleshlight was to His In laws. My Wife and I were having None of It and Informed Him once the Game started there Wasn’t any Backing Down, Sugar Coating, or Skipping Over a Single Aspect of the Game. Watching My Cousins Husband Squirm Uncomfortably Blushing with Embarrassment was the Highlight of the Game as Far as I’m Concerned.

And So this Brings Us to the End of this Pos on Thanksgiving Tensions. I wanted to End this Post a Little Different from Previous Posts So I Included the Feature Video WOODY SCREAM below to Summarize My Feelings Pertaining to the Hell of the Holidays. Now On to Christmas!

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

By/Presented By Les Sober

Textpocalypse 2021: SQUATTERS

I’ve said it once and I shall say it again I am a Life Long Fan of Absurdity. I suppose that’s Why I love Shows like Trigger Happy T.V., The Eric Andre Show, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Little Britton. I appreciate the Fact that not Only its Absurdity Wildly Entertaining in My Opinion but it’s Also Flexible. There is the More Commonly Embraced Out Right Absurdity, and as an Example I will Use a Text I sent on Our Family Text Chain on Friday September 17th at 3:02 pm:

“Fun Fact Friday: Neanderthals discovered Time Travel. It’s a Tragedy that They do Not receive the Immense Amount of Credit They Deserve for Their Amazing Discoveries in Time-Space Travel. The Root of Reason for this is Neanderthals were Considered to be “Primitive Man” by Archeologists when that couldn’t be Farther from the Truth. This lead to Their Dismissal of the Neanderthals’s Cave Paintings Chronicling Their Research as “Just more Cave Doodles”. Now a Consideration that One must take into Account is that in all Due Favor ironically the aforementioned Archeologists were a Tad Distracted. They were rather Preoccupied with Practicing Their Bullwhip Skills, and Not Being Crushed by Large Dislodged Boulders.”

This by Anyone’s Standards is Quite Obviously Not even Close to being True and that Fact is Blatantly Obvious to All. Now Absurdity Doesn’t have to be Cartoonish, Over the Top Gonzo, In Your Face, or Manic in its Approach. Absurdity can be Subtle as Hell. The Best way I can Explain it is I Wholeheartedly Believe that You can Say Anything (I mean the Craziest Shit You can Possibly Think of to Say), and as Long as You can Say it with a Straight Face and Conviction You create a Reasonable Doubt. That’s to Say the Person will tell Themselves that You were so Obviously Joking because No Way could Anyone be Serious about such an Absurd Statement. That’s when the Reasonable Doubt Starts to set in, and They Start to Subtly Second Guess Themselves. The More They Doubt the More They can’t Write the Whole Conversation Off as a Joke or One’s Odd Sense of Humor.

A Real Life Example of this Type of Subtle Absurdity that Rails through the Halls of Reason happened to Me the Other Day. It was 10:20 pm and I had a Free moment and found Myself thinking of Weird, Yet Unoffensive Shit to Post on My Family’s Ongoing Text Chain, and Finally decided to go with an Absurd Meme. What Happened Next was a Humorously Confused Text Exchange between Myself, My Mom, and My Aunt. Now At First I assume My Aunt Knew I was Kidding Around, but once My Mom entered the Conversation My Aunt seemed to get Confused as to what is Actually going on. As You will See even though I kept the Whole thing Going I did Start Responding with Absurder Shit Each Time. I was thinking that at Some unseen Level of Absurdity They’d Understand I was just fucking around, and the Outcome was Not what I Expected.

Here is the Aforementioned Text Exchange:

Me:

My Aunt: Uh oh!

Me: Dang Squatters got in the Walls Again.

My Aunt: Oops!!

My Mother: Mice! But I am getting them with the Green Bait Balls!!

Me: Excellent what works on Wall Squatters living in One’s Walls? I called Terminex, but when it comes to Pests They don’t cover Wall Dwelling Squatters. I’m going to check Reddit for possible solutions.

(8 Minutes Later)

Me: Well Reddit is a Total Bust. All I found was Information Pertaining to One’s Walls being inhabited by Wayward Hobos.

My Mom: If you get rid of pests in the house, you are likely you are likely to handle those in the walls, also at the same time. Also a good pest control company should be able to check your house over thoroughly and close any openings that might be allowing entrance to birds, mice, squirrels, or other varmints…

Me: That’s Good Advice the thing that Baffles me is I may Not be the Most Observant Person, I’d like to Think I could Spot an Opening the Size of an Devious Adult Squatter. I have a Sneaking suspicion the Specific Wall Squatters are in fact Tunneling in like Mole People. Does anyone know a Good Company that can check House Foundations since if the Conniving Squatters are in fact Tunneling in to Access the Walls the Foundation Integrity may be Compromised. Also on a similar Note I’m pretty sure My Home Insurance Doesn’t cover this sort of Thing.

My Aunt: No, Les, I am sure that insurance will not cover it and you are correct, they will most definitely have an impact on the integrity of the foundation if not treated…We have that problem here in Atlanta…Let me see if I can find the thread from the area and see if I can tell you who they called and what they did.

My Mom: I use Terminex, Les. I have a contract with them. They treat all pests and insects, not just termites, but you might want to check if you call to make sure they cover exclusion of squirrels, mice, bats, etc. I have had good experience with the local one. In the meantime, Les, go to the Farm Center and get some of those green balls- Ramik baits. Put a couple in a bottle lid or something under the kitchen sink in a cabinet that stays shut so your pets don’t have access. If they disappear overnight that means mice are getting them- and they go out out of the house and died. I find them very effective.

My Aunt: Crocodile Dave seems to be the one that they love here, but it seems that most of the termite companies now treat wildlife intrusion also..and try what your mom suggested, too, because according to the thread, it can be expensive..Good luck!

TEXTED THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

Me: To Whom It May Concern: Last Night I had a couple of Beers and was boded so I scrolled through My Pictures on my Phone. When I saw the Absurd Meme I thought it would be funny to post here. Then I decided it be far funnier if I claimed ACTUAL Homeless People were Squatting in the Walls, thus following the Theme of the Meme. Apparently Some became confused and under the impression and thought I was eloquently describing Mice. There are No Mice or Other Pests. We have been using Terminex for 4 years and still do.

My Aunt: Well, thank goodness. I just have real estate brain, so any mention of foundation issues and my antenna goes up..glad it’s not for real!!

My Mom: Yes, you did confuse us, LES! Good to get your reassurance!

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Just When I Though I’d Seen It All…..

The Other Day Started just like another with Me Battling Dogs to reach My Phone to shut off the Alarm. The Issue is the Dog’s damn well Know that when the Alarm goes off I get Up, and They get to Go Outside which also apparently includes giving Them Each a Treat. Needless to Say after a Moderate Struggle I managed to Shut the Alarm off and Let the Dogs Out (Yeah it was Me so Suck On That), and then Immediately headed into the Kitchen to Whip up some Coffee or Go Juice as it is Referred to Around these Parts.

To say I’m NOT a Morning Person is the Understatement of the fucking Millennium and I wish I was Joking. The Rule is NO ONE is to talk to Me for a Full Hour after I get Up because While I look Awake and with it I am More or Less running on Autopilot. Unfortunately for Me a Man born without a Patient Bone in His Entire fucking Body Our Heavily used Keurig Shit the Bed quite a While Ago so My Wife started Using a French Press. So taking Several Technological Steps backwards I put the Kettle on the Stove, and Turned the Knob to Ignite the Flame since We use Natural Gas for Cooking (and to Heat Our Tankless Hot Water Heater). The Pilot Light was Crackling Away like a fucking Downed Power Line, but Alas there was No Flame to Speak Of. Annoyed by this Inconvenience I started Turning the Other Knobs in an Attempt to get One out the Four to Ignite and Agin My Efforts were Thwarted.

My Anger Kicked in like a fucking Jet Engine Revving Up as the Idea of My Precious Coffee being Delayed even if for only a Few Minutes Enraged Me to No End. It was then that it Occurred to Me that I literally could Not Remember the Last Time I called the GAs Company to Refill Our Tank. Needless to Say I was Now under the Unacceptable assumption that We had fucked up by Not Monitoring the Level of Gas in he Tank , and Thus We must have simply Run Out of Gas. This would be a Royal Pain in the Ass Trust Me. The Gas Company is called Edisto and They are Nothing Short of a Bad Joke. In all Honesty it is BY FAR the Most Half Assed Operation I have Ever Witnessed and I’ve seen Plenty during the Course of My Life. A Quick Example of Edisto’s Ineptitude Ironically was When We Scheduled a Refill for Our Tank and When the Day Arrived the Edisto Employee Didn’t. The Good Old No Call No Show Routine. I called Edisto and Explained what happened and They Apologized and Said They’d Send someone out Right Away. Again No One Came without Any Notice Whatsoever. I called Edisto a Third fucking time, and the Third Time was the Charm as They Say, and at Last I got a Refill.

I ventured out onto the Front Porch and for Some Reason I still Don’t rightfully Understand Instead of going Left to Exit the Porch. You see I’d have to Walk from the Porch around to the side of the House where the Gas Tank is, Yet instead I cut Right because You can See (but Not Access) the Gas Tank from there. I leaned over the Railing and Turned My Head towards the Gas Tank I wasn’t at all Prepared for what I saw Next. The Gas Tank was Gone. The Four Cement Blocks it Sat On where still there along with the Disconnected Gas Line but the Gas Tank Itself had for all Intents and Purposes Up and fucking Disappeared.

It was in that Brief Moment I learned what the Saying “Does Not Compute” actually meant as My Brain was so Scrambled by Confusion I initially had No fucking Clue what to do or what I should do next. It’s was total Mindfucking Clusterfuck as My Eyes relayed to the Brain the Gas Tank was in Fact No Longer where it Should Be, and My Brain just Couldn’t grasp the Concept. In all Favor something like a Gas Tank (which is 6 Feet Long, Standing 4 Feet High, and made of Steel) is something You would Never even Consider a Possibility. It would be like walking Out of Your House in the Morning to Find Your 2 Car Garage Missing, or Perhaps Your Driveway suddenly Vanished without a Trace.

As I scanned the Yard still in a complete State of Shock and Awe I noticed there were a Distinct set of Truck Tire Tracks running across My Front Lawn. They Truck Tracks ran From the Middle of My Driveway across My Front Lawn and Ended by where the Gas Tank had Previously been for the last Four fucking Years. Undoubtedly I did experience a Moment of Panic mixed with Extreme Anxiety where I though the Gas Tank had been Stolen. I was Equally aware that the Idea that Someone Stole it made Abosolutely No fucking Sense Whatsoever. Beside being Big, Bulky, and Heavy as Hell the Metal that the Gas Tank is Constructed with has Zero Scrap Value like say Copper Wiring/Pipes. It was as Mr. Spock Would Say “Illogical”. Even though the Whole thing Defied Logic it was abundantly Clear that the ONLY Culprit could be the Edisto. Why the fuck They took My Gas Tank without Notice or Warning still baffled Me. I thought it was Safe to assumed it must have to do with Money even though We hadn’t bought Gas Forever so How could We owe Them a Goddamn Dime?!

Out of Sheer Bewilderment I called My Mother. I figured that having spent a Majority of Her Life Living in a Small Town in the South might have some Information on the Subject at Hand. When I spoke with Her She had No Clue Either What Possibly could be Going On and Said I should Call the Police. There was No Way in Hell I was going to (at least at this point or perhaps as a LAST Resort) call the Cops to Report My Gas Tank had Gone Missing. Calling the Police before Contacting the Gas Company seemed Foolish. I then Texted a Picture of the Vacant Area where the Gas Tank had been, and a brief Synopsis as to what had Occurred to My Wife who was at Work at the Time since it was Mid Morning. She Texted Me Back that Granted the Situation was Bizarre and that We Needed to call The Gas Company. Then being the Angel that She is asked if I wanted Her to call Them, and since I still felt Half Asleep, Denied My Glorious Cup of Coffee, and Befuddled Beyond Belief said Yes. I can say with One Hundred Percent Honesty that if I had called the Call would have broken down into a Serious Shit Show because in My Current State of Mind My Anger would Undoubtedly Rear its Ugly Head.

It only took about Ten Minutes Before My Wife Called Me with the Missing Pieces of the Missing Gas Tank Puzzle. It turned Out that it Never Occurred to Us that We didn’t Actually Own the Gas Tank even though it was There When We Bought the fucking House. Apparently the Gas Company Owns it and Charges Us a Five Dollar a Month Rental Fee which We were also Utterly Ignorant of. According to the Gas Company We hadn’t need a Refill since and I kid You Not Early 2019, BUT We hadn’t Paid the Rental Fee and They came and Repossessed Their Equipment. First of All We were Never informed of this Rental Charge (Neither was My Mother which Blew My Mind that Even She wasn’t Aware), but that Makes Sense considering the Gas Company is a Prime Example of How NOT to Run a fucking Business. I also riffled through the Past Years Bills, and Low and Behold there wasn’t a Single fucking Bill from the Gas Company pertaining to an Over Due Rental Fee Situation.

In the End My Wife Paid Off Our Bill in Full, and by some Odd Twist of Fate somehow was Talked into Buying a Hundred and Fifty Gallons of Natural Gas. I’ve never been a Science Whiz so I’m not even Sure How the fuck You Measure a Gas in Gallons Since the Gallon is a Unit of Measurement Used for Measuring Liquids. Also if We use so Little Natural Gas that We went Damn Near Two Years on a Full Tank means with a Hundred a Fifty Gallons of Natural Gas We have More Then We could Ever fucking Use for the Rest of Our Lives. The Amazingly Strange thing to Me is in Spite of a True Comedy of Errors the Gas Company still some how Managed to make a Sale. I also thought to Myself that if the Gas Company Guy had Knocked on the Door I could have Paid Him right Then and There and all of the Bullshit wouldn’t have been Necessary. Needless to Say the Gas Company wasted its Own Time, Gasoline, and Man Hours having Their Employee take the Tank without trying to collect Payment First Firsthand. All I know is I wasn’t the Only Person Pissed Off about How this Scenario was Handled because when the Gas Company Guy Returned to Return and Hook up the Tank He looked Madder than a Motherfucker. He really Should have Tried Knocking on the Door.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Philly The Man, The Myth, And His Machete

Over the Years My Mother has Employed a Colorful Cast of Various Characters to Help Out around Her Farm. It’s Nothing glamorous mind You it’s usually some form of Strenuous Manual Labor (Weeding, Clearing Brush, Planting, Landscaping, Tree Trimming, and Painting for Example), But She Treats Them All as Her Equal and Pays far Better than Most Around these rather Impoverished Parts.

One Day She calls Me Up out of the Blue and informs Me She recently Hired a Latino Man Named Philly to Clear Brush, and that He was in Her words and I quote “Incredible”. She then proceeded to tell me that watching Him Work as “Amazing to See”. I found this strange because what the fuck was My Mom doing standing on Her porch Staring at the Poor Guy while He worked? It painted a pretty creepy mental image is all I’m saying. In all honestly I didn’t understand what the possible appeal could be in just observing a Person Working so I declined to come by. Well fuck My life the next thing I know these Philly Calls as I referred to them started to become more and more common. My Mother is No Stranger to Using Constant Pressure to wear someone Down until the simply give Up usually out of Frustration or Exhaustion. I am No Exception and it didn’t take My Mother long to Steam Rolled Me into Complying. I told Her the next Time Philly came I would pop by to see this fucking 8th Wonder of the World.

Even After Conceding My Mother still went out of the Way to fucking Track down some shitty Video She had shot previously of Philly on Her Laptop. She then of course Immediately Texted it to me with some sort of excited caption and a line of Goofy Smiling Emoji faces. The Video though in all Intents and Purposes was one of those Crappy and Cliche Poorly Recored Videos. You know what the fuck I’m talking about the Videos that are completely out of Focus and Blurry as fuck for the Entire Video. Also The Subject of the Video is constantly out of frame as the Camera waves around Wildly. It gives You the Impression the Person Shooting the Video are having Convulsions while Riding in the Bed of a Pick Up Truck that’s Barreling Down a Gravel Road. In Response to the Garbage Video I didn’t the only thing I could think of and I utilized the Principle of White Lies, and told Her it was Cool and I was psyched to see Philly in Action.

Inspire of the Fact I am NOT anything fucking close to a Morning Person and that’s the Understatement of the fucking Millennium. I was irritated that My Mother required I arrive before Philly so I wouldn’t miss anything. Thus I got up at the Ass Crack of Dawn and Drove Over to My Mother’s Farm to see the Show Live and in Person. At 7:30 am a Small Dark Blue Pick Up Truck started making its way Down the Long Drive up to the Farm House. It pulled up and Stopped outside of the Gate My Mother Installed to make a designated a Yard Area. She did this because well the Farm House sits on 1,150 Akers of Land, and She wanted some Definition to the Land immediately around the Farm House Itself.

A Short Latino Man hopped out of the Passenger Side of the Truck and walked around back to the Bed of the Truck which I assumed was to get His Tools or what have You. I was right and I was Dumbfounded since the Gentleman retrieved Only Two Items from the back of the Truck. The Man grabbed a 72 Ounce Igloo Water Thermos and a Menacing Looking Machete and that was all. The Truck pulled away and headed off towards the Main Road as the Gentleman walked purposefully towards the front Porch. It was then I realized I could Fault Philly for wanting to get an Early Start since it was the Middle of July and the Days had been Topping Out at 100 Degrees with Ease. Starting Early meant cooler Temperatures insuring Philly would be Well on His way Before the Sun was High in the Sky glaring Down on Him like a Massive Space Heater.

The Other thing that’s important to mention was the Job Philly was here to do was Nothing Less than Dounting as He was there to Clear the Brush that Dominated the Tree Line that Bordered the so called Back Yard (though the back of the House isn’t Fenced just the Front and Side I have No fucking Idea Why). It’s a Real Deal cluster fuck thats for sure. The Tree Line had become Overwhelmed by a Variety of Parasitic Vines which had made Their way up the Tree Trunks and them Blended together in a seriously Thick Canopy. The Canopy obscures ALL light from hitting the Forrest Floor, Chokes Out Saplings, and Ultimately Kills the Adult/Juvenile Trees.

Unfortunately for Philly the Boarder had been Neglected for over a Decade at Least so He was Facing a Virtual Wall of Tree Limbs incased in a Spider Web of Vines that were Strangling Everything. Philly walked right Past Us on the Porch waving Politely and saying a Quick Casual Hello as He headed Straight toward the Back. Philly was walking with Definite Determination ready to Attack the Task at Hand with all He Had to Muster. I must admit that My Mother if anything Under Sold Philly’s unique Set of Skills and Flawless Talent. Once He reached the Back where He’d be Working for the Day He gently set down His Water Thermos, tighten His Grip on His Machete, Evaluated the Situation, and then Kicked into Action. Philly went Full fucking Tilt All Out and Started Slashing Away as if He was a Super Human Cyborg declaring War on the Woods. He looked like a One Man Landscaping Crew as Debris went Flying all Over as Philly Fought His Way Through the almost Impervious Wall of Vegetation. Before We Knew It Philly Was piling Up Insane Mounds of Cleared Brush like a fucking Madman on a Rampage.

Philly worked for almost Ten Hours Straight in the Brutal Heat and Stifling Humidity, But He Never Stopped for a Break, Lunch, or Even to Use the Bathroom. In Fact Philly never Slowed His Frantic Pace the Entire Time. It was as if Philly went into a Meditative Trance where all there was int he World was Him, The Brush, and His Trusty Machete. Philly was the True Master of HIs Machete wielding it at Break Neck Speeds with Surgical Persuasion. Something to Behold doesn’t Even Begin to Cover it. Even though I started to feel extremely self conscious Watching Philly Work I couldn’t Look Away to Save My fucking Life as I was Overcome with an All Encompassing State of Awe. I remember thinking to Myself that Philly must Legitimately have a Heart as Strong as a Race Horse because that Job was the Most Brutal Cardio I have ever Witnessed.

A While later on I realized My Mother hadn’t mentioned Philly in quite a while so I inquired as to What was Going On. My Mother told Me that Philly had gone Missing in Actions as it were and She didn’t know What was going on or if She would Ever See Philly Again for that matter. Now People go MIA around here and its not uncommon for People to Disappear only to Reappear Days Later with an Explanation. Time Passed and still there was No Sign of Philly at All until so much Time had Passed We had to Accept the Inevitable Truth of the Matter. The Inevitable Truth was Philly for whatever reason was Long Gone and Wasn’t Going to Be Back on the Scene for Good. The one thing I regret about the whole affair is that I didn’t take a Good Video of Philly Myself but that would have made Me Feel Ungodly Creepy. I still hold the Hope that One Day without Rhyme or Reason Philly will Suddenly Sow Up Again. Who Knows Stranger Shit has Happened.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

My Two Cents On Three Subjects.

Since Mondays can be a Little Mind Muddling I figured I’d Keep it Simple and Give You My So-Called Two Cents on Three Separate Subjects. The Topics are divided into the following Categories Not So Current Events, Morbid & Murderous, and Utter Absurdity for Absurdity’s Sake. Feel Free to Discuss Them with Your Friends, Family, Co-Workers, and General Public since Americans use Their fucking Smart Phones instead of Their Actual Smarts. The Bottomline is the “Smarter” the Phone the fucking Stupider the User Becomes as They’re Dumbed Down to Moronic Levels but I digress. Without further ado Let’s get Started.

No So Current Events:

I have purposefully tried to Avoid Posting about the Global COVID Pandemic for a Myriad of fucking Reasons, But there is One fucking thing I just Can NOT Stay Silent About. The Pandemic Hot Button Topic I am going to Address here is Kids Going Back To School. Now I’m not here for an In-depth fucking discussion of Kids, School, and all the Usual Bullshit since We all Know why school is Important and that Socialization is Vitally Important so I refuse to Beat a Dead Horse.

My Issue Lies Solely with the Parents. As We are all more than aware Parents are fucking Notorious for Bombarding Other People They encounter with Stories, Pictures, Videos, Social Media Posts, and General Bullshit about Their fucking Kid(s). They spout cliche shit like

“Children are a True Blessing”
“Having a Kid/Kids Changes Your Life Forever”
“Raising Kids is the Greatest Accomplishment One can Accomplish.”
“If You Don’t have a Kid/Kids Then You Just Don’t Understand.”
“It’s a Shame They Grow Up So Fast.”
“Their (Kids) are Angels here to Enlighten Your Life.”
“Children are the Future.”
“Anything for the Kids.”
“I’d Die before I let anything Bad happen to a single Hair on My Child’s Head.”

Along with an Arsenal of Other Parental Wisdoms They Intend to spread to the Four fucking Corners of the fucking Earth. This Overwhelming Desire to Subjugate the Rest of the World Population to Their Parenting Bullshit seems to be EXTREMELY HYPOCRITICAL in the Age of Covid. When it came to Opening Schools/Sending Kids back to School during an Ongoing Global Pandemic at First Parents were Wary as They damn well Should Be, but then there was a MONUMENTAL ATTITUDE SHIFT among Parents as the Months Rolled On By. Then all of a Sudden One Day the Topic of Kids actually Viably and Safety returning to School Exploded like a fucking Powder Keg across America.

The Next thing Anyone Knew Parents were EVERYWHERE Online, Social Media, and TV Whining Ironically like Bratty Kids about How Much They Wanted Their Kids Back At School. This simple above all had nothing to do with what’s Best for the Kids but What the Aggravated Parents wanted Do to Quarantine. Basically Parents where SICK AND TIRED of having Their Kids with Them in Quarantine and were Blatantly Pushing the School Opening so Their Kids would be SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM. Its fucking astounding How Parents in America Act like They’re Entitled to having The Educational System Raising THEIR fucking Kids for Them. It took just a Matter of Months before Parents couldn’t get Away from Their fucking Kids Fast Enough, and to make it worse where All Over the Place Whining About it like Assholes. Also this is fucking shitty because NOT ONLY are You willing to put Your Child, Yourself, Friends, Family, Teachers, and School Staff in Harms Way (could Result in Their DEATH) because KIDS BECAME TOO INCONVENIENT FOR THEIR PARENTS.

Now the ONLY People You should Listen to in an Emergency especially if its fucking Life or Death to THE EXPERTS Not the Media, Social Media Mob, or Online Idiots and Assholes. I’ll just make My Point by saying if I had a Child or Children During this Covid-19 Pandemic I WOULDN’T SEND THEM TO SCHOOL UNTIL ALL TEACHERS AND SCHOOL STAFF ARE VACCINATED, AND THE CDC SAYS IT’S OK. Parents were Literally Gambling with Their Kids (Along with Theirs and Others) Lives because They were Aggravated by Their Supposedly Precious Little Angels. The Hypocrisy was/is Absolutely fucking Astounding that People would Praise Their Kids Until They wanted a Break From Them then All Bets are Off as it were.

MORBID AND MURDEROUS: HOW TO DISPOSE OF DEAD NINJAS

The Most Effective way to Remove and Transport The Corpse of a Dead Ninja is to Simply Cut it Up into 6 Separate Pieces. The You Place the Torso on the Bottom, Fold the Legs and Place Them on Top of the Torso. Next You fold and Place the Arms on Top of the Legs, and Then Lastly Place the Head like the Cherry on a Sunday made of Human Flesh.

You can NOT Burn a Body of a Dead Ninja Properly to Dispose of it. Only a Professional Crematorium has the Equipment Needed to Incinerate an Entire Human Corpse. To Fully dispose of a Human Corpse (with the Exception of small Pieces of Left over Bone) You need a Heat Source of 2,700 Degrees Fahrenheit for Several Hours. This can Not be Accomplished by Dousing the Corpse in a Flammable Fluid and setting it Ablaze.

When Disposing of the Corpse of a Dead Ninja in a Body of Water can be Much Trickier than Most People would Think. The Problem is Bodies Bloat which means They will Float like a Motherfucker, and They Rot so They tend to break free and Float to the Surface. The Issue is when the Human Body starts to Decay it Swells with Gases like a fucked up Cadaver Balloon making it Buoyant. The First method to handle this Problem would to Stab the Corpse just below the Heart to Slice Open the Stomach. This way the Gases can’t Build Up and Increase the Chance of the Bodie becoming a Floater. The Problem with this is Anchoring the Body is still an Issue. You see Crabs, Fish, and Other Aquatic Life feed on the Rotting Flesh until the Body starts to come apart. So if you Anchored the Body with Chains (around the hands and Feet) sooner or later due to Time or Animals will Decay away, and thus the Body can be moved about by Weather or Currents. The most Effective way to Dispose of a Corpse in a Body of Water is to Wrap Chicken Wire Around it from Head to Toe mind You so You’ll Need a Rather Large Piece. This way when the Body Starts to Bloat the Chicken Wire will Lacerate the Rotten Flesh Not only Releasing the Built Up Gas but Also Keeping the Body Tightly Secured within the Chicken Wire.

One of the MOST EFFECTIVE AND TABOO ways to Dispose of a Dead Ninja’s Body is to Actually Eat the Evidence, and then Grind Down the Leftover Bones into Dust. No Body No Crime.

UTTERLY ABSURD:

This is The Semi Annual Podunkville Turkey Vulture Report. The Tirkey Vulture Road Kill Clean Up Crews are Seriously Lacking resulting in an Overall Rating at the Time of this Evaluation a Solid D. If You are in the Podunkville area and See a Turkey Vulture Please tell it in Your most Assertive Voice to “GO BACK TO WORK YOU FUCKING BUM!” We suggest You do this from an EXTREMELY SAFE DISTANCE or Optimally from the Confines of a Motor Vehicle. This is Specifically for Your Safety as Turkey Vultures are Rather Large Disagreeable Birds with Seriously Shitty Attitudes, and They are Armed with Razor Sharp Talons and Powerful Beaks.

Also Turkey Vultures are Known for Vomiting on Their Enemies primarily as a Defense Tactic, But You Know what They Say the Best Offense is a Good Defense. It is also Unconfirmed as of Now, Yet Perturbed Turkey Vultures may try and Shit on You (as well as Vomit) when Confronted in what They perceive to be an Unkindly Manner. There is No Official Strike by the Turkey Vultures as of Yet and There are Rumors of Turkey Vultures succumbing to Anorexia. Whatever the Reason the Turkey Vultures of Podunkville need to return to Their Regularly Scheduled Scavenging as Soon as Possible before The Road become Littered with Carcasses, and Dominated by the Pungent Stench of Death and Decay.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Introduction to Cannibalism 101: The Different Kinds of Cannibalism

Greeting and welcome to Introduction to Cannibalism 101: The Different Kinds of Cannibalism with Otto Rageous .

The practice of cannibalism has existed since the very dawn of humanity. From the Beginning from Cavemen through out the entire history of man al the way up to modern day. This is not a general lesson in/on cannibalism, it’s a specific lesson on the various kinds of cannibalism/cannibals that exist. Cannibalism is considered by a majority of Societies around the world as the most extreme Taboo a person could engage in. It’s ironic that humanity eats countless species of animals for sustenance, but when it comes to people eating other people its unacceptable, demonized, condemned, and made illegal. There’s a strange double standard surrounding the practice(s) of cannibalism since mankind is the only animal on the entire earth that kills one another for anything other than food. Thus the unofficial rule that came to be is murdering someone is extremely bad, yet eating someone is still far worse.

Cannibalism:(noun) The practice of eating the flesh of your own species/Kind.

Etymology: The word “cannibalism” is derived from cannibles, the Spanish name for Caribs, a West Indies tribe that may have been practicing cannibals, from the Spanish canibal or caribou “A savage”. The term Anthropology, meaning “eating humans” is also used for human cannibalism.

Historical Quote On the topic of cannibals/cannibalism:

“The people round here are all cannibals. You never saw such a weird looking lot in your life. There are also dwarfs (called Batwas) in the forest who are even worse cannibals than the taller human environment. They eat man flesh raw! It’s a fact.” Casement then added how assailants would “bring down a dwarf on the way home, for the marital cooking pot … The Dwarfs, as I say, dispense with cooking pots and eat and drink their human prey fresh cut on the battlefield while the blood is still warm and running. These are not fairy tales, my dear Cowper, but actual gruesome reality in the heart of this poor, benighted savage land.”

-Roger Casement (In a Letter to a Colleague on August 3, 1903)

Categories of Cannibalsim:

Ritualistic
Survival
Sacrifical
Necro/ Mortuary
Autocannibalism/ Sexual Autocannibalism
Sexual
Filial
Erotophonophilia
Vorarephilia
Gynophagia
Perthenophasia (sub type)
Sexual Autophagy
Symbolic
Pathological (also known as Erotophonophilia)
Exocannibalism
Endocannibalism

Category Definitions:

Ritualistic Cannibalism: In acts of ritual or customary cannibalism, specified members of a society consume all or part of a certain body parts, which are believed to contain and convey attributes of the deceased.

Survival Cannibalism: Survival cannibalism is innate in humans; people will resort to eating a fellow human being under dire circumstances.

Sacrificial Cannibalism: In dire circumstances a group of people may implement a system one of the most common is drawing straws. Members of a group draw “straws” to see which member of the group will subsequently be killed and eaten. As a willing participant each member of the group is in agreement if they are the one with the shortest straw that they will sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the group. It’s important to note that this grim system of selection is a voluntarily decision made by every member of the group unlike with Survival cannibalism.

Necro/ Post-Mortuary Cannibalism: The consumption of part or all of a corpse by members of its own kind. This is not limited to flesh alone as it includes the consumption of internal organs as well.

Auntocannibalism: Self-cannibalism or the practice of eating oneself. This also includes things like eating ones finger nails or a mother eating the placenta after giving birth.

Sexual Cannibalism: Is usually considered a psychosexual disorder and involves individuals’ sexualizing the consumption of another human being’s Flesh.

Erotophonophilia (type of Sexual Cannibalism): Often referred to as “lust murder” , a sexual paraphilia in which individuals have extreme violent fantasies and typically kill their victim during sex and/or mutilate their victim’s sexual organs. In some cases, the erotophonophiles will eat some of their victim’s body parts (usually post-mortem).

Vorarephilia (type of Sexual Cannibalism): This type of sexual cannibalism has been increasingly documented in the scientific literature over the last decade. This is a sexual paraphilia in which individuals are sexually aroused by 1. the idea of being eaten 2. eating another person, and/or 3. observing this process for sexual gratification. However, most vorarephiles’ behavior is fantasy based, although there have been real life cases such as Armin Meiwes, the so-called ‘Rotenburg Cannibal’.

Gynophagia (Sexually Cannibalistic Behavior): A sexual fetish that involves fantasies of cooking and consumption of human females (gynophagia literally means ‘woman eating’).

Parthenophagia (Sub Type of Gynophagia): This is the practice of eating young girls or virgins. Several lust murderers were also know to consume the flesh of young virgins, most notably serial Killer, pedophile, and sexual sadist Albert Fish.

Sexual Autophagy (type of Sexual Cannibalism): Refers to the eating of one’s own flesh for sexual pleasure.

Filial Cannibalism: Occurs when an adult individual of a species consumes all or part of the young of its own species or immediate offspring. This is primarily applied to the animal kingdom but the fact remains there is no age limit on human victims of Cannibalism. There are plenty of documented cases of human cannibalism involving adults eating children and babies (in addition to eating adults) from around the globe.

Symbolic Cannibalism: One that resides in the abstract, spiritual realm where no actual flesh is consumed. An example of this is Christian Mass.

Pathological Cannibalism: A pathological urge to devour human flesh, occasionally observed in severe schizophrenics and similar metal disorders. In psychoanalytic theory, cannibalistic impulses are associated with the fixation at the oral-biting phase of psychosexual development. This category includes several Serial Killers such as:
Albert Fish ( The Grey Man”)
Ed Gein (The fictional characters Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Buffalo Bill from the Movie Silence of the Lambs, and Norman Bates from Alford Hitchcock’s Psycho were all inspired by Ed Gein and his crimes.)
Jeffery Dahmer (“The Milwaukee Cannibal”)
Rudy Eugene “The Miami Cannibal”
Andrei Chikatilo “The Ukrainian Monster”
“The Crossbow Cannibal” Stephen Griffiths,
Luka Magnotta (The Canadian Cannibal. Most known as the subject of the popular Netflix documentary Don’t Fuck With Cats).

Endocannibalism (Learned Cannibalistic Behavior): Community of like minded people consume a member of their group pre or post mortem.

Exocannibalism (Learned Cannibalistic Behavior): The consuming of flesh of someone from outside of the group. Usually as a celebration of victory over an opposing enemy.

Thus ends our education on eating human flesh for now, and keep an eye out for future Cannibalism posts as there will be more and varied. The lesson here is from survival to serial killers cannibalism is more prevalent in the world than you’d dare to think.

That’s all Until our paths cross again

By Otto Rageous